Intimate Relationships, Love and Emotional Reactions ~ Katie Davis

Before awakening, my intimate partner would say something really critical and I would react with anger (or sadness, guilt, etc.). I would say something in response in order to defend myself. The argument would escalate as our pain bodies would become activated and we would fight. Pretty soon we were saying things that we didn't really mean and talking about similar circumstances from our past. I blamed my partner for how I felt. He/she makes me angry, hurt, sad.

1. I ended our relationship

2. I continued to feel guilty or angry or hurt

3. I forgave the situation and stayed in relationship, but I know we will have another round of this sometime.

4. Next time, I will react stronger or perhaps not say anything at all, but hold it inside with angry thoughts and feelings and still blame my partner for how I feel.

After awakening, what have you noticed about emotional reactions when your partner says something critical?

1. When my partner is critical, since I am observing my thoughts, I am aware that my thinking about the situation is actually causing my own emotional reaction. In other words, the suffering is self-inflicted. My partner says something, I label, judge and categorize the statement as mean or hurtful. When I have such thoughts, it causes my body to emotionally react to my thinking.

2. I have realized that virtually no one has the power to alter my emotional state and if I do feel sad or angry, it is my responsibility and blame no one.

3. When I do feel angry, I no longer act it out with my partner, nor do I repress it. Instead, I take a moment to be consciously present with the emotion and feel it in my body. I also watch my thinking and how it tries to perpetuate the negative emotion or escalate it.

4. With the willingness to suffer consciously, I am noticing that negative emotion is disappearting from my life.

5. I am able to hear the criticism, but no longer take it personally.

6. I have recognized that the world is arising within me. In other words, life is only a mirror that is reflecting my inner state of consciousness. When I see criticism in the world, I now go within to see if there are ways that I am critical of others or critical with myself.

7. When I notice self-criticism, I no longer need to change anything or make it a self-improvement project. I only need to become aware of it and it changes on its own through the simple noticing of it.

8. As I am free of self-criticism, others are no longer critical. The mirror of life circumstances change on their own accord as I free myself from within. I am the key to the tranformation of my world.

9. Since I am totally free and resting within, if someone says something rude, I silently feel compassion for them. I realize that it is "their" inner work and has nothing to do with me, so I am able to compassionately and unconditionally love my partner and recognize that they are not feeling well. Furthermore, I recognize that how they are feeling is fleeting and will soon change.

10. Changing how "others" feel is no longer my responsibility. My job is to remain present and open to the unconditional love within.

11. I have recognized that the ego state of consciousness (the mind-made self, the idea of "me") is a delusion. It exists in others or within me solely through thinking, ideas, concepts and beliefs.

12. Underneath the thinking, I am blissful, unending joy that is absolutely indescructible.

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